Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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