do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
