Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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