when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
