I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
