everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
