If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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