why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
