At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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