i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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