I accidentally burped into my bong.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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