Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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