Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
