i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
