she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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