I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
