no, he came in my armpit
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
