The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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