Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
