I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
