I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just invented taco cereal.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
