A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
