But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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