Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
