I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
