i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
