I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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