508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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