Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
