I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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