you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
