he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
