don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
