i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize