OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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