booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
