why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
