All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
