Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
