our cab driver is having phone sex.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
