You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
