Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
