I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
