I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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