i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
