Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
