dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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