Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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