Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
