I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
