Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
