I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Nicole vs. Life
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
