i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
