i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
