so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
