My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
