Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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