I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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