I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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