I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
